General Hospital has recently fallen ill to a virus of its own making. The effects of the virus include low ratings, estranged fans, and conspiracy theories about a network trying to destroy its last remaining soap opera. The unique henrik virus spreads like corruption in the Trump administration and amaz-a-doc Hamilton Finn has yet to find a cure. It infects nearly every man, woman, and child in Port Charles and causes fans to avert their eyes lest they sicken themselves. Fortunately, if any series has the medical expertise to rid itself of such a virulent disease it’s General Hospital.

The infection began with one of the city’s most esteemed and valued residents, Anna Devane. Anna or “patient zero” spent her entire adult life trying to escape the clutches of deranged stalker Cesar Faison. The stomach-turning effects of henrik virus became clear when it contaminated Devane’s backstory. Upon exposure, the savvy feminist spy mysteriously morphed into the mother of one Henrik Faison whose father is the aforementioned stalker. The idea that Anna once “seduced” Faison the Repugnant, became pregnant and birthed his son, then gave the baby away causes nausea and extreme bouts of rage in this fan.

After taking hold of Anna in such a vile way, henrik virus induced fast-forwarding syndrome so the details of how it cut a path through PC are a bit hazy. Suffice it to say that the virus overtook Maxie in her moment of grief over the loss of her beloved husband Nathan. In addition to Anna and Maxie, infected parties include Sam, Jason, Spinelli, Drew, Curtis, Nina, Valentin, Lulu, Griffin, Ava, Nelle, Robert, Andre, Sonny, and Baby West, while Finn and Robin are exhibiting symptoms. The lava-like pace of the story virus has slowly engulfed the town and left precious few unexposed.

This fan welcomes any and all suggestions to stop the virus before the entire town succumbs. Any viable cure must begin with freeing Anna from its grip. Acceptable options include the following.

• Anna’s twin Alexandra “seduced” Faison, birthed his son, and gave him away, but Anna’s brain has been so scrambled over the years that she thinks she sired Henrik because while she and Robert were “dead” they had another child, let’s call him “Spinelli,” who Faison took from her
• Andre Maddox mind-mapped Anna by switching her memories with [insert random forgettable woman’s name here], thereby convincing Anna that she birthed Henrik when in fact she did not [And no, not even Liesl Obrecht deserves to be infected with the virus]
• Casey the Alien from Lumina circa 1990 imbued Anna with an extraterrestrial substance that causes hallucinations and memories of pregnancies than never occurred – a perfectly plausible symptom of henrik virus

Once Anna seeks treatment from Finn he will surely concoct an antidote to dispense at the General Hospital free clinic to all affected patients. The remedy will eradicate the virus and liberate Port Charles. Laura Spencer, who wisely left town to avoid the contagion, will return. Fans will bestow forgiveness and ratings will increase.

Open up the lab and dust off those imaginations. There’s not a moment to lose in the battle against henrik virus.