Everything’s Going to Be OK, America: William deVry is Staying at General Hospital
Just when it appeared as though little boys would overrun the world with their war games and Tiki torches, a real man has stepped in to save it. Frank Valentini apparently read one too many Trump tweets this week, threw his phone against the wall, and screamed, “Enough! I might not be able to save the world, but I can save Julexis!” General Hospital’s Executive Producer engaged in a negotiating tactic called “diplomacy” to reach a deal between William deVry and ABC, thus setting an example for terrifyingly incompetent novice heads of state the world over. The Julexis Army responded by calling off plans for a pre-dawn raid of ABC studios in favor of euphoric celebration.
Americans are feeling rather skittish after recent news about North Korea’s developing nuclear arsenal and the U.S. president’s choice to goad the rogue state with threats of “fire and fury like the world has never seen.” Such remarks make me wonder yet again how poorly the president must have performed in his history courses since the world has seen a hell of a lot of “fire and fury” and is unlikely to survive that which “the world has never seen.” Meanwhile, Klan members are marching in Virginia on laundry day prompting Americans of good conscience to consider spending an otherwise lovely Saturday punching Nazis.
In the midst of such absurdity, Julexis fans rest easy knowing that the world is a good and decent place, because ABC heard their pleas for sanity. William deVry will remain at General Hospital, in part because they executed a well-organized and relentless campaign to make their voices heard. Julian Jerome will continue to dispense heartfelt, though often terrible advice to his daughter Sam, pass his son Lucas in the halls of GH and ask, “Don’t I know you?” and prime little Leo for his upcoming kidnapping story. Ava will draw strength from her big brother as she rises to the top of Port Charles society to reclaim her daughter Avery, and make minions of all those unable to see her for the queen that she is [Hey, a girl can dream.] Most importantly, Julian and Alexis will smolder their way back into one another’s hearts, not because that’s what the fans want, but because that’s what the world needs.
Thank you Frank Valentini and ABC for restoring a small sense of rationality to our crazy existence. William deVry will stay in Port Charles and all will be right with the world.
Ignore the little orange boy in the corner.